Standing in front of her mirrored reflection, she is unrecognizable, even to herself.
Who is this girl staring back at me? I do not recognize the darkness in her eyes or the sound of her voice as it cries out for me to save her. I can’t save her. No one can. She has succumb to her own misery and now, she has fallen prisoner to the reigns of her past.
I can see the scars that lay like bandages across her heart and I know she has given up. She cries out that she is too weak, too defeated and that she has nothing left worth fighting for.
What do you mean you are giving up? Don’t you remember how beautiful you once were and how your infectious spirit was going to set the world on fire? What happened to that girl you used to be?
Silenced in sadness, she said nothing.
I could feel her sorrow pour out of the tears that left stains down the sides of her face. She had allowed the pain from her mistakes to cripple her once, unparallel strength.
Please don't give up
If only she would strip away the many layers of sadness that have fallen like a veil over her eyes, then she would be able to see through to me; to see through to herself.
If only she would let go and let in... let me in.. Then maybe, just maybe, she would know that she is not alone. And that no-matter how far she falls into the darkness of her own demise...She never will be.
Recently I found myself at the top of a snow-covered mountain, looking down at my terrifying fate and wobbling my long legs down its icy slopes.
What if my dumb knee gives out or I crash into someone? What if I don’t know how to stop and I fall so hard that I snap my neck and die?
That’s when I saw a group of little kids under the age of 5, snowboarding down this same life threatening slope that I was, but they were flying right past me as if it were no big deal.
This is Bull crap! How in the world are they making this look so easy?!!
I was pissed.
I didn’t understand how such young children could be so confident and brave. Didn’t they realize they could break a bone, or tear a ligament, or even fall on their faces and make fools of themselves for the whole world to see!?
Then it hit me, of course they didn’t think of those things because all they cared about was learning and having fun with the experience. They didn’t allow their fears to run or control their lives like we big, boring adults so often do, and they definitely didn’t care what other people thought of them.
This realization started to make me resent these fearless little snowboarders, and all children for that matter!
I became jealous of kids imaginations and the way they could look at a plain, yellow, narrow pencil and turn it into a sword to fight off vampires and evil assassins with. I envied the way my nieces and nephews can look at an unmade bed and instead of wanting to make it look stiff and presentable, they’d rather rip off its sheets and transform it into a superhero cape, a shield, or even a tent to camp out in for the night.
When did we stop being fun and start being so painfully serious?
When did a cardboard box stop becoming our favorite fort house and how old did we have to get, before forgetting the secret tree house we carved our best friends initials in?
A + J = BFF
Who would have ever thought that the true gatekeepers to happiness were the very people we once were ourselves; kids!
So take your inner child on a walk today and welcome all of the adventure, mystery and the danger that comes your way …because as long as we never lose sight of our childish enthusiasm, then not only will we be doing a lot more cannonballs in the pools this summer, but we won’t ever miss out on all of the real fun that life has to offer ☺
“The best part of being young is that we are too inexperienced to know that we can’t possibly do the things that we’re doing”
Stay TRU :)
What does it mean, when we find out everything we have worked so hard to achieve isn’t going to work out for us after all?
What happens when the rope that we've been taking strides of faith on for the past few months has finally taken its toll and broke in half… Leaving us terrified in the unknown and with nothing more than a firm grip of desperation to try and tie together the broken ends of our future.
Where is the line between having faith and not losing ourselves in selfish expectations that risk us falling to our ultimate demise?
Someone recently said to me, “I don’t ever expect anything from anyone, that way I am never disappointed and can’t get hurt”
But the more I pondered this philosophy, the more I couldn’t help but wonder where the hope in a person lies if they refuse to let their imagination lay in anything other then certainty? Where is the joy in accomplishment if you never truly risk anything in order to get it?
I've come to realize that there are only three choices you have after your world has fallen a part in front of you... go backwards, stay standing still, or use your pain and discomfort to drive you forward. Just know that as much as you'll fear the thin line that stands between your future and present pain, you're never truly living if you're not taking any risks.
So even when you find yourself losing balance... keep holding on, because you're always worth the risk it'll take to get you where you deserve to be.
And always remember that “If you’re not living on the edge… you’re taking up to much space” ☺
Stay TRU <3
I have this perfect pair of skinny black jeans that hug my hips so tightly they actually create the illusion that I have curves. They are my favorite, mold to my skin, hide away all of my imperfections, comfort jeans. They are the pair I throw on when I am feeling closed off or vulnerable, and when I want to tell the rest of the world "screw you, I just don’t care what I look like!”
In the past week, I have found myself fondling through the rest of the vibrant colors in my closet and landing directly on these same, rather boring black jeans, over and over. I just couldn’t get enough of the way they laced up my thighs and forced me to blend in with the rest of the world and go unnoticed. These jeans were my comfort zone.
It wasn’t until they began to mold to my skin when I finally realized that I needed to give these melodramatic jeans, and my attitude a long rest. I decided to go home, wash my greasy hair, throw on a little blush and wrap myself in a fun white sundress that had been lingering in my closet all winter long. And after I slipped into my favorite golden stitched wedges and threw on an umbrella shaped summer hat, I began to feel like myself again, well, at least it was a start…
I still crave being in the comfort of my dirty worn in jeans and a pair of slip on converse, but today I realized that the day is way too beautiful to waste away wallowing in my own self-pity and suffocating my skin into thick material. It was time to stop concealing my negative emotions in dark layers of clothing and to start embracing all of the light that is already surrounding me. I needed to let my skin breathe and welcome in the fresh spring air, and more than anything else, I needed to feel beautiful again.
So here's to a new day, and a fresh start! And as Mrs. Elizabeth Gilbert likes to say, “Operation Self-Esteem, day fucking one!”
Recently, I have been noticing how many people I know (including myself), who are afraid to say or do what they really feel.
It's as if we are all terrified of making ourselves vulnerable, so we hide behind false illusions of security and contentment because we don't want to risk being denied, or not having our feelings reciprocated. But if we are all supposedly so "tough" then what are we really afraid of?
Let's be real, what's the worst that can happen if we don't land that dream job, or the person we love doesn't feel the same way for us? Would it leave a scar, force us to the emergency room for a handful of stitches or a big burly cast? Would facing the truth and ultimately being let down lead us off the edge, behind bars or strapped down in a mental institution?
Sometimes it's a blessing in disguise to be rejected or turned down, because it can be the only way you know it's not meant to be and that it's time to move on towards the person or thing that is. As much as it pains us, the truth slapping us across the face can be the perfect wake up call that we need in order to stop loitering around and start living our lives wholeheartedly. It may be just the right push to help us let go of all that was, and all that was never meant to be.
It is sooo easy to stay complacent in the unknown because we can't get hurt there, but if we always stay standing still, then how would we ever be able to get to the other side? In seeking the truth, what we discover may not always be exactly what we were hoping for, but nonetheless, it'll be the truth, and as some clever mind once said' The truth is what will set you free."
Free to move on, free to let go and free to let in.
So stop being a Sissy Lala and free yourself, the world awaits you... :)
Stay TRU <3
Strutting into a crowded room, she throws back her shoulders, lifts her chin and smiles widely through her eyes. She struggles to fill her lungs with as much air as they can hold, before slowly releasing it…one…two...she is bombarded by high status socialites.
One drink after another, the faces surrounding her become blurred into false representations of a good time.
If she leaves now, she can escape the immoral decisions that lay ahead, but not after one more drink.
She hits the floor before she is able to discover that the door has just been slammed shut behind her.
It’s cold outside and her fingertips stumble to button her coat.
Men beg to take her back to their place where they can try and comfort her through her disarray, but she is no longer in the mood to entertain.
She steals a light that ignites her nightly nicotine fix and winks back at the men who fall like snow behind her, disappearing into one another; reminding her that they’re all the same.
Head down and eyes mirroring the reflection of small puddles filling the streets below, she looks away trying to avoid facing herself.
Headphones drown out the sounds from the outside world as they take her to that place; her place…her sanctuary.
She is alone, but not lonely. For the sky is full of hopeful dreams, and tonight, she is determined her stars will fly.
Last week, after beating up and bruising my poor little ego to the bone, I decided I needed a cleanse.
I needed to drain out all of the excess stress and self-defeating talk out of my exhausted psyche and pour in a new bath of lukewarm courage and bubbled faith.
I realized that I can't continue to obsess over all that I can't control and I need to learn to have a little faith. Fate can be such a tricky concept to master because it requires trust and belief, definitely a difficult task for me to grasp.
In life, we go through our days controlling everything; what time we wake up, whether or not we eat a healthy breakfast or have no breakfast at all. We decide what to wear, where to park and how enthused we will walk into our work. We determine how hard we are going to work that day or if we are even going to work at all. We get to pick who we come home to at night, a lover, friend, family member, ourselves, or even a Boston Terrier, and then we get the luxury of deciding how much love we are going to give them once we get there.
Whether we accept it or believe it or not, we are in control of just about every aspect of our lives and especially the attitudes that we carry in them. So what happens when the unexpected occurs? A tragedy? A miracle? Does that mean we lose driving privileges in the front seat of our own lives, or does life's unexpectedness signify a brand new vehicle in which we must now learn to take control?
Things happen we do not expect and people hurt us in ways we can not predict, but when someone or something tells you that you no longer have control of your future, don't take a back seat to their prediction and instead, fight to take control of the life that is rightfully yours. Don't sit back idly and watch as the unpredictable, uninvited, and unworthy stomp their way into your territory. Take control of all that you can control and leave the rest up to that little friend we so often like to neglect, and have yourself a little Faith.